You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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