He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
