I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
