Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's always time for handjobs
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
