Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
