i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
