We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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