Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
