apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
