Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
