I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
