: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
