the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
