Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
