Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How does one acquire holy water?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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