Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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