if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
