Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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