so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
