I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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