I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
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just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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