and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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