A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
