So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
