i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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