I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
