So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
