Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
