I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
