They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
