im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
