I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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