I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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