I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
