I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
