I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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