I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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