His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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