I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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