You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
