From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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