My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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