My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
