Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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