I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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