At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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