nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
