I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
