I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
