Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
