and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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