Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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