Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
