just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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