So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
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we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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