I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
