put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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