I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
