she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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