some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
