We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
