Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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