this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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