If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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