I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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