So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
